Now, this is a subject that all of us could rant about for hours (or pages depending on your style), but it is one that I feel I must touch on. Now, all of us have been guilty of at least one of these at one time or another, be it inadvertent or purposefully, so I suppose I am ranting about every driver out there…including myself. However, if you are a habitual offender of one or more of the below, know that there are hundreds or people out there just hoping you piss off the wrong guy while driving through a dark alley.

1. The Non-Thankful Cutter-Inner
   This one makes the top of my list because it is the one the pisses me off the most. How many times have you been nice enough to slow down (or at times COMPLETELY STOP) to either let someone in or let them cross and the thoughtless DICK did not expend the energy it takes to raise their fucking hand for a little courtesy wave? HELLO!!! I just went out-of-the-way to help you out, and you can’t even say thank you? I wish I were in a 1975 F-150 with a BrushMaster front bumper and no concern over a small hike in my insurance premium. You and your fancy Rolls Royce/Mercedes/BMW/whatever! GRRR!! My blood boils at the thought! I have gone so far as to roll my window down in the rain and stick my arm out the window to wave to thank someone who let me over in a traffic jam (it was dark out and I had tinted windows…don’t judge me).
2. The I-Will-Never-Let-You-In Guy
   This is the antagonist to the Non-Thankful Cutter-Inner. This is the guy that sees you trying to get over and will not let you in. Now, I am not talking about the guy who won’t let in the Traffic Skipper (see below), I am talking about the guy that won’t let you off the on-ramp of the highway. The place you have no other choice to be. Seriously, you prick?? Like letting me in is really going to add any time to your journey! Look around! No one is moving! It is a traffic jam, asshole!!
3. The Slow-Fast Guy
   This is the idiot that is driving 10 mile per hours UNDER the speed limit in the fast lane. Then, when you go to pass, he decides to hammer down and take her up to 10 OVER the speed limit just to not allow you to pass. Again, a beat-up, rusted-out 1975 F-150 would come in handy. Oh, how I would like to run you off the road, you and your little rice-burner with exhaust that sounds like a pissed-off bumblebee.
4. The Fast-Slow Guy
   Again, the antagonist to the last guy. This is the jackass that will fly up on you and almost rear-end you, slam on his brakes, get pissed off, pass you, then slow down. I am the guy that religiously uses cruise control, usually set at 5-10 over depending on the flow of traffic. I won’t turn off the cruise control for anyone. Little irritates me more than having to take off the cruise control because some idiot decided to get in front of me then slow down. If you want to go faster than me, so be it…it is a free world, but make up your damn mind. If you pass me in a fit of rage because I am going too slow for your liking, then I catch you 10 minutes later without having sped up at all, you are a moron and I hope someone runs you off the road!
5. The Traffic Skipper
   You know the guy I am talking about. A line of traffic is forming in the right lane, so this guy hammers down in the left lane (or vice-versa) in an attempt to bypass the traffic. Then he will go to the end and try to cut someone off to get over. It is at that point that all of us in the traffic lane become brothers. We all stay bumper-to-bumper until we pass the jerk so as to not let him in (this action is not to be confused with those of The I-Will-Never-Let-You-In Guy). Then the Blue Falcon (again, see below) lets him in. Now my fury is directed to the Blue Falcon for being…well…a Blue Falcon!
6. The Blue Falcon (a.k.a. The Buddy Fucker)
   This is the guy that lets The Traffic Skipper in, or functions in some other similar capacity. We are all working as a team to keep The Traffic Skipper from completing his mission, and this guy lets him in, either on purpose (waving him in and then inadvertently creating a new species of Inconsiderate Driver…now we most likely are witness to a Traffic-Skipper-Non-Thankful-Cutter-Inner) or by not paying attention to the guy in front of him letting a gap form in front of him, of which The Traffic Skipper takes full advantage. Pay attention, prick!!
7. The I-Can’t-Drive-A-Stick Guy
   This is the asshole that kills the car when the light turns green. It usually happens at one of those only-green-for-10-seconds lights. This guy just cannot seem to get the concept of a manual transmission and can usually not get the car started with any time left for anyone other than himself to charger through the light! Here’s an idea…IF YOU CAN’T DRIVE A STICK, DON’T LEAVE IN ONE!! Oh, and God forbid this asshole be stopped facing uphill. So many times I have wanted to just get out of my car and walk up to that idiot, rip them out of the car, drive the car to the top of the hill for them, leave it in neutral, get out, and give it a shove.



8. The I-Can’t-Park Guy
   Pretty much goes without an explanation, but one irritates me more than others. The jackass that takes multiple spots! What a dick! You either think so much of your vehicle that it warrants you taking two spots to avoid door dings (in which case, I pray that someone t-bones your car while you are shopping) or you are just such a moron that you cannot negotiate your vehicle well enough to get it between the lines (usually, but not limited to, someone in a long bed, quad cab, dually who has never driven a truck before).
9. The Parallel Non-Parker
   Again, should go without explanation, but I cannot go without tell you what irritates me! The Parallel-Park-Too-Close Guy. We, as GOOD drivers, are able to parallel park accurately, neatly leaving our vehicle centered in the lines, 12-18 inches from the curb. The Parallel-Park-Too-Close Guy is not competent enough to be able to do the same. He parks in front of you and is usually 2 feet into your space and 3 feet from the curb, making it impossible to pull out without backing up. You shift into reverse and look in your mirror. It is then that you realize that you have fallen victim to The Parallel-Park-Too-Close Tag Team. The guy behind you is 6 inches from your bumper. Holy Shit!! Someone get me a bat or a sledgehammer. Now you are forced to either sit and wait for one of the two jackasses to return to their vehicle (not a great idea if your temper is anything like mine) or doing the 900-point turn to try to get out without damaging your vehicle. I NEED A 1975 F-150!



10. The Spot Stealer
    You are in a parking lot searching for an open spot. You see someone getting into their vehicle, so being the courteous driver that you are, you wait with your blinker on to alert everyone as to your intentions. As the guy drives his vehicle out of the spot, some prick pulls right in. Those of us who have seen Fried Green Tomatoes are just itching to re-enact that scene! This category also extends to those who park where they are not supposed to: parking in the handicapped spot when you are not handicapped, a male parking in a spot reserved for expectant mothers, a customer parking in the employee of the month spot, etc.

I am sure this is not an all-inclusive list. Please, add your nominations in the comments. Better to vent here than it is to get arrested for beating the crap out of some jackass who desperately needs it!