Category Archives: Funny

Funny

An Almost Successful Mugging

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DISCLAIMER: This is an email forward I received from a friend. I am in no way associated with anything contained herein. I am truly sorry if I mislead anyone. It was not my intention. Thanks for stopping by.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket… The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason… my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan… She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb…. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life… Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Funny

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

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  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
  5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
  8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
  11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
  12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Funny

The Shredder

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A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one copy.”

Lesson: Never, Never, EVER assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

Funny

The Ten Commandments of Access

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Microsfot Access 2007 LogoAnd it came to pass that the cries and lamentations of the Access newbies were heard on high by the gods of the Database, and their hearts were moved to pity for their followers. And they opened their mouths and spake, saying: “Nevermore shall the young and innocent wander witless on their journeys! We shall provide guidance to them, yea, and to all who wish to seek the paths of wisdom.” And they caused these commandments to be written and placed before the eyes of those seeking enlightenment. Continue reading The Ten Commandments of Access →

Funny

16 Funny Statements from Police Officers

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Cop Issuing a TicketThese are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

  1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
  2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
  6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
  11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  12. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
  13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
  14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

    16. AND THE WINNER IS….

  16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
Funny

Men and Women: One Difference in Thought Processes

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Men vs WomenI never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!” So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… Continue reading Men and Women: One Difference in Thought Processes →

Funny

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic: A Brilliant Theory

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HellThe following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that Continue reading Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic: A Brilliant Theory →

Funny

The Value of a Drink

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Beer

  1. “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
    -Jack Handy

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

  2. “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. “
    -Frank Sinatra

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people. Continue reading The Value of a Drink →