Category Archives: Personal

This is where I post articles more of a personal nature than for others. You might find something here that interests you, but I doubt it.

Funny

An Almost Successful Mugging

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DISCLAIMER: This is an email forward I received from a friend. I am in no way associated with anything contained herein. I am truly sorry if I mislead anyone. It was not my intention. Thanks for stopping by.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket… The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason… my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan… She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb…. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life… Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Funny

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

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  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
  5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
  8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
  11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
  12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Funny

The Shredder

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A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one copy.”

Lesson: Never, Never, EVER assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

Funny

The Ten Commandments of Access

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Microsfot Access 2007 LogoAnd it came to pass that the cries and lamentations of the Access newbies were heard on high by the gods of the Database, and their hearts were moved to pity for their followers. And they opened their mouths and spake, saying: “Nevermore shall the young and innocent wander witless on their journeys! We shall provide guidance to them, yea, and to all who wish to seek the paths of wisdom.” And they caused these commandments to be written and placed before the eyes of those seeking enlightenment. Continue reading The Ten Commandments of Access →